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 Ra-Ra-Rasputin! Russia's Greatest Love Machine, [Natasha Romanoff] [July 2005]
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@NATASHA ROMANOFF




The time was 2005. George W. was in the White House, the Pussy Cat Dolls were absolutely killin' it with "Don't Cha", and Wade Wilson was making his way to a sweet, sweet pay day. Or at least he would be if the taxi ever got moving. "Seriously! Did you not hear me? I gave you the address, buttmunch! Now get to it!" Wade snapped at the driver.


"...there's nobody driving."


"What?!" Wade looked and, sure enough, there was no one else in the taxi cab besides himself. "How the hell did that happen?" He protested.


"We found a cabbie, challenged him to a game of 'Nuts on the Table' and when his pants were down, we stole his keys!"


"...hehe. That was funny, too." Wade said. A moment later, he saw movement in the rear view mirror. The cabbie he'd challenged, his pants around his ankles and his hands tied behind his back by a zip-tie-


"Oh, my god! We tied his hands, too?! We're hilarious!"


- and followed by two policemen who were considerably less restrained. "Ohhhh...that's...yeah, nope. Nope, I don't think so." Wade muttered as he dove into the front seat and started to right himself.

"Excuse me, sir. Will you please step out of the car?" One of the cops was at the driver's side door as Wade sat himself up.

"Y'know, I wish I could...but, uh-" Wade started to say, and got the barrel of a handgun in his face for his trouble. "...so I just had to get the one cop in all of San Francisco that doesn't behave like Mahoney, huh?"

"Get out of the vehicle and put your hands behind your-oof!" The cop was suddenly stopped as Wade quickly opened the door and slammed it into the guy's stomach to throw him off-balance. The bullet was fired and hit passenger side door, then bounced off and whizzed out the roof, leaving a hole.

"Oh, sure! Just wreck the finish!" Wade snapped as he turned the keys in the ignition (the radio roaring into life) and shifted into gear. "Let's see if you bastards can do ninety!" He heard the passenger side door open...and hit the gas. Going from zero to sixty in only a few seconds, the other cop was thrown from the vehicle and down the street as Wade made his getaway. "Hahaha! Another victory for the forces of Canada! Suck it, ya hosers!!!" He declared loudly through the still-open window.


"We have a job to do, you know."


"Well, yeah. Obviously!"


"I mean besides assaulting two cops and stealing a taxi cab!"


"Ohhhhh. Right! ...what was that again?"


Wade remembered the job. A quarter million for taking out some Russian mobster douchebag here in San Francisco. The dude was apparently big into weapons trafficking and somebody was willing to pay for him to be unalived. Wade, being very good at unaliving people had taken the job with a smile...and half up front. Now, he was armed to the teeth and going for the other half.

"Let's go for the high score!" Wade veered through traffic like a maniac, nearly causing (and causing) more than a few wrecks as he made his way down to the docks and a particular section of them to boot - a pier where he knew a weapons deal was going down. What Wade didn't know was that he was driving right into a massive sting operation run by S.H.I.E.L.D., but what he did know was the feeling of flying through a car windshield when going over one hundred and twenty miles per hour, the momentum carrying you through the windows of a warehouse, and then smacking into the hard concrete after careening through said windows to crash into some wooden crates that happened to be on top of the concrete.


"...LET'S DO IT AGAIN!!!"


"Ugh...my splaunch..." Wade groaned. Within seconds, his bones were reknitting themselves, the tears in his muscles and flesh were healing up and he was right with the world. He got up, holding his back. "Ah, sweet Massive Head Wound Harry, that hurt!" Wade groaned and turned around...seeing that all the eyes of several men were upon him. Some were in suits, some in street clothes. All that they had in common, at that moment, was that they were exchanging money...and they had a lot of weapons between them. "...hey, guys! Can you give me directions to the IHOP? I keep finding Huddle Houses friggin' everywhere!"

"Waste him!"

"Not a tourist-friendly city. Got it." Wade muttered as the bullets started flying and he ducked behind cover, drawing his own guns before hopping back out and sending a few of his own flying back. He didn't see his target yet, but one of these asshats had to know.

...provided any of them were alive after he was done playing a death tornado.
Posted: May 21 2018, 10:02 PM
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And the second that the red-suited man slammed through the windows at one end of the warehouse, Natasha knew that this job was going to end up being a massive headache. Well, a lot more than most, anyway.

Perhaps it should be said that she'd seen and heard of this man before, thanks to having been one of the SHIELD agents who was sent to clean up the mess following the rampage he'd gone through. Sure, she understood the concept of revenge... but that'd been a messier crime scene than most, to deal with and catalogue. This? This was going to likely be trouble unless she did something, but... all things considered, she couldn't. She was being told to hang back, to let the distraction play out... because what they were trading wasn't just money and favours.

No, there was something bigger at stake and she needed to know where it was, before the worst sort of weapon got into the wrong hands.

So, Black Widow remained where she was, hiding behind cover herself, sniper rifle at the ready and trained on her fellow Russians as the leader thought to finish the transaction that he was currently seeing though. As his bodyguards seemed to drop and aim their weapons on the crates that the red-suited vigilante was hiding behind, Natasha just simply let out a near-silent sigh, shaking her head. It was always the missions without Clint that were the messiest, and perhaps that was why she needed to stop taking those single-person details, before they got her killed.

Leaning forward to peer through the scope of her rifle, she took in the fact that all the weapons were being gradually grabbed and stowed in a case, making it so that part of the reason she was there was dwindling before her very eyes. No, she wasn't happy about that, and what was more? She wasn't happy that her mission was quickly going sideways because a wild-card interrupted the sale. Guns and ammo was one thing... but where was the rest of it?

That was why she aimed quickly at the fuel-tank of the truck that was idling nearby, the bullet striking the side of it enough to cause it to blow sky-high. After all, she'd not noticed the ring-leader there... and she had a feeling the only way these men would talk if they were afraid... or if they felt they had nothing to lose.

Without a way out? They had nothing to lose.

Before she could wait much longer, she began tearing the rifle apart, putting it into pieces in the pouch slung around her back, just before crouching down to look around the crate she'd been situated behind. She could see that the vigilante was seriously outgunned and outmanned... and that made it so that she just smirked... and stood up from behind him, shooting around the figure as she ran out, guns blazing, towards the weapons. One of those cases would have the detail of what she sought... she knew it.

And the location of the man willing to sell it, too... she imagined. Reaching the man who was just shoving the last of the weapons into a bag, she shot at his knee, causing him to fall back and down to the ground, grabbing it with a hissing sound of pain. Immediately, Nat dropped down beside him, hand tight in his hair as she yanked his head back. "Boris Kelpov... where is he?" she said in guttural Russian, her eyes narrowed on him as she stared him in the eyes.

Yep, the sound of gunfire seemed to have died down... which caused her to glance up... to see the red-suited man was staring in her direction.

Yep, this was going to be fun.


@WADE WILSON

Posted: May 22 2018, 12:45 AM
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Well, this had turned into a fun day! The bullets flying. The swearing in Russian. They just needed some bears on unicycles and they would be all set, or so Wade believed anyway. "C'mon, you Ruskie bastards! I. LIKE. IKE!" He snapped, punctuating the last three words with a fired bullet each, then, sheathing his guns, he flipped over the head of another one and drew his katanas, turning back to slice off the gun hand of the man he'd just jumped over, and then his head to silence the screaming that followed. "This is so awesome! It's like living inside Devil May Cry 3!"



"These are Russians, not demons. And stop referencing things that happened in 2005. It's weird."


"Okay, but how will people reading this thread know the year if we don't mention it constantly?"


"I suppose they could read the subtitle?"


"But references are something like 80% of our humor..."


The other 20% came when Wade finished off another one of them...and found a woman in a black, skin-tight jumpsuit glancing back at him as she crouched down to the ground. Wade's eyes, however, were lower. "...you must get some serious swamp ass in that, huh?" He asked, then looking up from her butt, he grinned. "Not that I mind. I like a girl who works her ass off. And you have a spectacular one. How's it going, Scarlett?" He asked, reflexively jerking his hand up as a mobster tried to come at him with a lead pipe and got a katana in the neck for his trouble.

Wade pulled it back. "Damn...it's like playing Call of Duty 2 up in here!" He quipped.


"Hey! Quit!!!"


"So, I only say this every so often...and by that I mean always, but what's a nice place like this doing in a girl like you?" Wade asked the redheaded, leather-clad woman before him.


@NATASHA ROMANOFF
Posted: May 22 2018, 11:15 AM
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This was exactly why she liked working from up high, behind her rifle... because she didn't have to deal with this kind of thing. Honestly, the very second that she heard the sound of a man's voice behind her, whilst dealing with the fallen Russian under her fist... she knew there would be trouble. Perhaps it was the tone to his voice, or the almost casual way he called her someone else's name... but she had a feeling this was not going to be a clear-cut mission, no matter if she'd already got the location of Kelpov.

Yeah, she was going to want to shoot the red-suited heckler.

Turning around slowly to look behind her, Natasha just had to grit her teeth, knowing as she did that dealing with men's eyes, while wearing the suit, was about eighty percent of the problem. The other twenty was usually fighting to keep from reaching for her gun to shoot them. Good thing... she'd read up on this man and his abilities... so she knew shooting him wouldn't kill. That did make things a whole lot easier.

That was why she reached for the weapon at her thigh and slid it from its holster, raising it without pause.. to squeeze off two shots, before turning away again to put the gun away. With that, she dropped her gaze to the man she was holding by the hair... only to drive her fist into the Russian's face, her eyes narrowing as she let him slump back to the ground, unconscious. Yeah, this mission was getting more and more dangerous with every breath.

Turning around to stand, she paused to eye the red-suited man, her hand on her hip. The fact that he'd complimented her ass wasn't forgotten... because, as much as she would normally have walked off... the fact that he'd infiltrated a SHIELD Op couldn't be ignored. "I could ask you the same question," she muttered low, her voice a low rasp as she stared up and into the part of his mask where his eyes were. "What are you doing here?"

Man, she almost wished May was there. Tag-team kicking this man's ass would have been a lovely bonding experience.

@WADE WILSON

Posted: May 22 2018, 11:37 AM
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And then, she turned around. Because of course she had to turned around. Revealing her guns and he gasped in utter joy...and the pistol wasn't too bad, either. "Oh, my god! They managed to make the Ark of the Covenant in breast form! I can feel my fa-"

BOOM BOOM.

He flew back into a crate, shattering it with his weight and the force of the impact. "...owww..."



"Perhaps we should address her politely and not immediately objectify her as our first move, hmm?"


"Do you want to get the Anti-Pervert fine again?"


"That isn't an actual thing! It's something you made up!"


"Doesn't matter. Awesome boobs!"


"Oh, for Christ's sake..."


"No, I can't imagine this shtick ever getting old..." Wade groaned as his body's healing once more took hold, getting himself up onto his feet just in time to hear the redheaded woman speaking to him yet again in answer to his earlier question. Only not, because he hadn't asked her

"Okay, first off...I don't care how awesome your breasts are. Oww!" Wade said, fixing her with a look, the eyes of his mask somehow flexing to narrow on her. "Two...I was looking for some asshat by the name of Kelpov because somebody wants him unalived real bad and paid me a shitload of money for it. And..." He stopped, counting on his fingers for a moment, then added. "And 'C'...you didn't answer my question about the swamp ass. I mean, I get it myself. Seriously, how do you even handle that?"

That was part of being the supersuited community that Wade couldn't really enjoy. Some people were into that but, oddly enough, he wasn't.


@NATASHA ROMANOFF
Posted: May 22 2018, 01:36 PM
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Yeah, just for the comment about her chest? Nat pulled the trigger once more, happily watching little bursts of skin and blood as each bullet impacted the man before her, and... honestly? It felt good to watch him get blown back and into some crates, though she had a feeling she'd have to add this to her report.

After all, every spent shell-casing had to be accounted for, but those three? Worth the lecture she'd probably get from Phil.

Still, sliding her gun back into its holster at her hip, Natasha simply stood and walked closer, knowing as she did that she'd very likely have to endure more objectification at the hands of this man, but... well, that wasn't anything new. then again, she wasn't against pumping more bullets into him, because she didn't have time for such shenanigans. If Kelpov was already on the move, and he seemed to be, from his minion's information... then she needed to get on the move, too.

Standing around, talking about her chest and bum didn't really help with her mission, surprisingly enough.

Staring him down coldly as she stood over him, just before he got to his feet, Nat just simply waited, hands on her hips, not caring that he towered over her. If she needed to, she could bring him down to her level with two carefully-aimed gunshots to the kneecaps, and she knew it. So, head tilting so as to keep her eyes on where his face must be below the mask, she just narrowed her gaze on it... before shaking her head and turning away, reaching up to the small earpiece she wore. "Got a bogey here, I'll handle it. Kelpov is on the move, and I'll follow. Will go radio-silent. Comms out."

With that, she turned back to the man who'd just rattled on and on, and frowned, yanking the earpiece out of her ear so that it rested on her shoulder, just under the patch that designated she was an Agent of SHIELD. "I don't know who's paying you to take Kelpov out, but you're going to need to back off. I've been charged with bringing him in... not kill him. There's questions that need to be asked, and he can't answer them if he's dead," she said and turned away, intending to stride off in the direction of the docks.

After all, it wasn't everyday that she was tasked to infiltrate a sub... now was it?


@WADE WILSON

Posted: May 22 2018, 02:11 PM
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The third bullet he probably deserved, but he was who he was. He crashed into those crates like a champ, smacked against the pavement like a champ, and groaned in pain as his body healed itself. Like a champ. When he finally got up, words were exchanged followed by the woman speaking into an earpiece. It was then, as she dropped the earpiece, that he noticed the logo.



"Wait a sec...did we get on S.H.I.E.L.D.'s radar?!"


"I do not foresee this going well for us..."


"Well, to be fair...I've already been paid half up front, and the guy buying was very specific on this guy tasting some lead. So I'll cut you a deal. You question him, then I'll plug him full of lead. Everyone wins!" It seemed like a good enough deal, but Wade had his doubts that she would go for it. Then things would get very, very troublesome indeed.

He moved to follow her, having gotten no reply and guessing that meant she was okay with it. Or he just didn't listen. Either was a definite possibility, knowing him. "So did I hear that guy mention something about a submarine? What is the deal with that? I mean, I know he's Russian but Red October fetish, much?" He shook his head. "I mean, really. I love Sean Connery more than any red-blooded sort of straight male should, but who were they kidding? Who did he think he was? Kevin Costner?!"

The docks weren't far off from the warehouse, in fact, they were right outside. Kelpov was getting onto a boat and taking off from the dock. "You there!" Wade shouted. "YOU'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT!!!" He yelped as the bullets started flying. Kelpov had apparently left a few friends behind on the docks to stall people going after him.

Wade pulled the redheaded woman behind cover, drawing his guns. "Alright, I'll take 'em out. You put one of your S.H.I.E.L.D. super tech thingies on his boat to track." Wade said, laying out a plan. "Ready? Break!" He jumped out of cover, shooting recklessly at their opponents just as they shot recklessly at him...and hopefully drawing attention from the redhead.


@NATASHA ROMANOFF
Posted: May 22 2018, 02:43 PM
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Yep, she wasn't sorry about bullets one, two and three... and she had to admit, that third one was pretty damned good for making Natasha feel better about being visually groped, as it were, by Deadpool's eyes. Yeah, she wasn't a fan sometimes of the attention the suit got... but it was better than anything else, considering she'd never be caught dead in a wearing a pantsuit, unless she couldn't help it. Hey, she wasn't about to be that uncomfortable...

So... as he got up and seemed to take a moment to try and argue about killing versus arresting Kelpov, Nat just turned away and walked towards the entrance to the warehouse, knowing as she did that nothing could change her mind. Deals or not, on his part, weren't something she needed to worry about, considering she was doing what she'd been tasked to do by her bosses. This man's problems weren't her own.

Ignoring his protestations, Nat just simply reached down for her gun, eyeing it... and then reloaded, considering she'd used most of her bullets inside it to show her annoyance at the man now trailing behind her. Indeed, as he began to speak about the submarine, Natasha seriously wanted to turn around and spend a few more bullets showing her continued annoyance at him... but she knew that would highlight her presence to Kelpov, considering where they were. No, she didn't need him knowing she was thisclose to arresting him... did she?

"His main mode of transportation is apparently a decommissioned submarine," she tossed over her shoulder, even though she didn't really need to explain. Yep, getting on that boat was going to be interesting, especially if she was being followed by this man, who really didn't get the hint, did he?

That was made all the more apparent by how he actually yanked her down behind cover, but only after making his presence known, which, went against everything that she ever stood for. Having every eye on her wasn't exactly unique, but she liked to work from the shadows, and sitting behind some crates on the dock wasn't exactly the cover she was thinking when she'd considered making her way onto that submarine.

Muttering to herself in Russian, Natasha just eyed the red-suited menace at her side... just long enough to see he was trying to come up with a plan for them both. Because of that, Natasha just simply smirked at him and shook her head. "Oh, I'm going to do a lot more than that," she told him for the idea of putting a tracker on the boat... and then, darting out of cover, she immediately tossed a small metal disk on the ground, electrocuting the closest gunmen to her... and began to make a break for it. Up ahead, Kelpov was just climbing over the gangway and onto the boat, hurrying as fast as his short little legs could take him... and that was enough to make Nat smile.

That, and the sound of gunfire helped, too. It was like music.

Lowering her head and running fast, Nat jumped over a small crate and darted over the gangway, just as it was pushed off from the boat, making her all but launch herself to make it to the other side. Landing in a crouch on the deck, she stood up just long enough to see that not only was Kelpov climbing into the belly of the beast through a hatch... but she was was surrounded by two armed thugs. Well, eh, she'd been through worse.

"You know, you've just made it a lot harder for yourself," she said, and turned to kick one thug's knee in, the limb crunching as it began to bend the wrong way. The man dropping his weapon to grab his leg, the other seemed to take a moment to stand in shock, which was all Nat needed. Using the garrotte that was connected to her Bites, she reached up and strung it over his neck, yanking him back as she did so.

But the problem was... there was a siren going off. The sub was about to descend.


@WADE WILSON

Posted: May 22 2018, 09:34 PM
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So yes, he'd decided, he'd earned at least the third bullet. Despite the chattering of his blue voice, Wade figured that much. Sure, the lady was packing a body that would make an Victoria's Secret angel take a hit on her self-esteem (okay, several hits), but that was no reason to go off molesting her with his eyes.



"...are...are we learning?"


Still, what he'd said had been true, so he'd just decided to keep the cracks to a minimum. For now.


"...oh, yes. I can't imagine that that will last long!"


"Ooooh! A submarine? Nice!!!" Wade grinned, following her along, and his eyes getting a look in any time that she wasn't looking-


"Aaaaaaand, six seconds. It's a new record."


-but now was the time to get his mind on the job and see what he could do about making Kelpov very, very dead. The woman didn't seem to be responding to his deal, so Wade took that to mean she agreed with him killing the guy after she'd had her words with him. He honestly didn't care what S.H.I.E.L.D. wanted with the guy, letting her talk to him first was just professional courtesy...and would hopefully keep them off his ass when this whole thing was over.

Then the fight broke out. Wade was making short work of the mooks while Redheaded Wonder Lady - he'd have to ask her name at some point - was working on getting to the boat. Wade had thought, at first, that Kelpov was going to drive the boat out to somewhere to get on the sub...but that didn't seem to be the case as the guy was jumping deeper into it.

After making short work of the mooks on the docks, Wade saw that the gangway was retracting...and his current sort of but not really partner was getting away after Kelpov. "Oh, you wait right there! I am not gonna be left behind to mop this shit up!" He snapped and ran after her, jumping and managing to grab the ramp as it lifted up. "C'mon, Wade! Maximum effort! You got this!" He grunted as he pulled himself up and rolled onto the deck of the ship, drawing his katanas and charging into the fight...only to find her having taken out two guys, one of them disabled with a broken leg and the other being throttled by garrote wire.

When the guy fell and the other one was knocked out via a kick from Wade, he looked to the woman. "...say, when this is over...how would you feel 'bout...using that one me?" He asked.


"Jesus Christ, we're fucked up."


"More fun that way, really."


Then the siren came. The sub was going to descend. "The boat probably has some kind of docking controls. See if you can't find them and stop his ass. I'll try to head him off." Wade said. "Don't worry, I won't kill him until you had your words. Scout's honor!" He did the three-finger Boy Scouts salute before hopping down the latter and deeper into the boat. Under it, submerged in the water, was the submarine in question - the Soviet Union's hammer and sickle emblazoned on the side.

"Huh...didn't expect it to be that blunt." Wade muttered as he noticed that Kelpov had left a few of his mooks and they were now firing at him. With a loud "HIYAAAAA!!!!", Wade jumped in with both katanas. If he couldn't unalive Kelpov (at least right now) he was sure as hell going to unalive a few of these dumb fucks...


Posted: May 23 2018, 07:49 AM
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The Black Widow was seriously starting to wish that she'd aimed a little higher, and a little more often, because this man was seriously about to jeopardize her entire mission. How could it be that one man, with some guns and a couple of katanas strapped to his back, could make it so that she was reassessing committing murder? If anything, the sound of complete silence would probably be a blessing... compared to all the babble this man kept regaling her with.

But she said nothing.

Instead, she was doing what she needed to, even while the sound of Deadpool's banter whipped around her, causing her to grit her teeth, lest she yell at him and probably get shot by Kelpov's thugs for her trouble. After all, she didn't need to get distracted when it was one... okay, two... against unknown numbers of Russian hitmen. Getting to Kelpov was the goal, but he wasn't making it easy for Natasha, as he'd already entered the submarine below her feet... and was preparing for a getaway.

Having dealt easily with one of the two thugs left behind topside to deal with her, Nat was happy enough to use the garrotte on the other, knowing as she did that she could use the length of his body to run up and throw him... should she need to. That, and the idea of his body's trajectory was enough to keep her calm and happy... before she realized that the sound of running footsteps behind her was the man she'd tried to leave behind. Yep, she didn't want company, but it looked like she was getting some anyway.

As the red-suited vigilante at her side helped kick the second of her victims down, but only after she'd thoroughly throttled him with that garrotte, Nat just simply eyed him and frowned, while stepping over the now-unconscious thug. Yet... for a split second, she stopped, staring at him. Had he really just basically asked her to choke him out? All things considered... well, she wasn't going to deny herself the chance of thinking it over, at least, because the mental pictures were already glorious. Yep, he was a sicko, but she'd get out her aggression somehow. "It would honestly be my pleasure," she ground out, before shaking her head. "But no."

With that, she gritted her teeth at his plan... and then shook her head, eyes narrowing as she focused on getting down through the hatch after him. Dropping to the bottom with a slight thump, she turned to head in the other direction from Deadpool, her eyes scanning every door to see which might have the docking controls. From everything she'd seen of this ship's schematics, it should have been to the left, but it seemed Kelpov had just remodelled. But... sneaking into one room, she noticed it was the one she sought... and with a press of a few buttons, the sub beneath locked on its mother-ship, a clunk announcing her efforts.

With that, she ducked out, beginning to run and catch up. No way that THIS guy would steal her prize.. considering she could already hear the sound of gunshots up ahead. "Remember! Don't kill him!" she called ahead, even as she grabbed one of her Walthers from its holster at her hip. Yep, she really didn't like this guy... but sometimes, circumstances really did make for odd bedfellows.

Bursting in, though, she dropped down below cover and stayed there, right beside where Deadpool was shooting from. Thankfully, with him that close, she could threaten him with ease. "You shoot him, I'll shoot you... somewhere you won't like." There, that should do it.


@WADE WILSON

Posted: May 23 2018, 11:55 AM
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With that all settled, it was time to get to Wade's favorite part of the job! Mowing down mooks on the docks was a fun pass time, sure...but now it was time to make like Gilligan on the Minnow. Or the other dumb fucks who had been stupid enough to sign up for a three-hour tour. Either way, he was going. Up and over the ramp he went, catching up to the lady in red black as she pulled a David Carradine on the mooks.



"Wait a second...if this is 2005, how are we referencing something that happened in 2009?"


"It's called a flashback, muchacho!"


"That doesn't make any sen-"


"BOOOOOOOOOOOOORING!!!"


"Eh, if you change your mind later, my safety word is 'Bananarama'." Wade said, giving the British pronunciation of the word to indicate the band, and then deciding to get on with the motley. After sharing a few words with her, Wade leaped down off a railing and down deeper into the ship to go deal with a few of Kelpov's mooks. His blades decapitated the first one, then he went without stopping into the second, who had been smart enough to pull out an extendable baton...which did all of dick for him as Wade's katanas sliced through through it and into right into the guy's sterum, another (not at all) clean decapitation as he kept right on going toward the sub.

The other guys were getting smart, falling back and firing. Wade ducked behind cover and switched to his guns just as he heard a loud clunk...the sound of the sub being locked into place. "Uhhh, can you not read?!" Wade shouted back as the spy woman was making her way to join the fray. "Last post. Said I wasn't gonna! Jesus!" He snapped as he continued to lay down some cover fire so she could get behind cover as well.

"Look, sweet cheeks...if you were looking to get me going, quit diggin'! You already struck oil!" Wade's response came. It seemed that Kelpov wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't going to get past the pair of them to get to the controls, and neither would his goons. The guy was a sitting duck while the merc and the spy mowed down his men to get to him.

This was pretty much in the bag...or so they thought.


"Ooooh! Is there a twist coming?!"


"Because nothing in our life ever follows a straight line..."


Posted: May 25 2018, 12:27 PM
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Oh she had a feeling that she wasn't changing her mind about killing Kelpov anytime soon... and nothing that Deadpool could do would go about helping his cause. Nope, she was sure that eventually she'd have to take him out in order to ensure Kelpov's continued existence, but... she didn't want to. Nope, they were working together, keeping the other going, for the most part... and it was a good plan, for him to sweep through the leagues of thugs that Kelpov hired for his own safety... while she saw about locking the submarine in place.

That little thunk was proof enough that it wasn't going anywhere... unless someone else too extreme measures.

So... as she came back to hide beside the red-garbed vigilante behind cover, she was about to jump up and run out, guns firing... but what he said made her stop and eye him like he'd completely lost it. What the hell was he talking about? "Did you hit your head or something?" she muttered, just before side-eyeing him... and just let out a little huff. "You don't seem like the type that keeps promises... so I'm going to make sure you do. You don't kill him, I don't shoot you in the face. How's that for fair?" she said and just lowered her gun... to shoot him in the kneecap. There, that should remind him who he was dealing with.

Knowing that there was every chance that they were going to continue to be pinned down, should they remain there, Nat just eyed Deadpool once more before getting up, shooting two approaching gunmen like it was nothing, before sliding over the crates so she could get on the move. All in lal, she thought they were doing really well... until she heard another thunk, this time... from deeper in the boat. Yep, she knew that sound... and it was the knowledge that the locks she'd just engaged... were being lifted. Was there another control panel?

"We've got to move... now!" she said even as she noticed Kelpov run down a narrow hallway in front of them, behind a few armed guards. Taking out one, she kicked at the other's knee... just before racing down that hallway behind him. If he got down and into the ship, they'd lose him... and she wasn't going to let that happen.


@WADE WILSON

Posted: May 25 2018, 02:08 PM
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42 years old
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"Several times! Even on purpose occasionally!" Wade replied cheerfully.
He began to laugh at her reaction, a mixture of frustration and irritation. Or were those the same thing?



"Uh..." *flipping through thesaurus* " They are synonyms, yeah."


Regardless, Wade imagined he must have been a bit irritating. Oh, well, part of his shtick. "Oh, don't you threaten me with a good-YEAAAAAAAOW!" The bullet slammed right into his knee and sent him to the floor. "Oh, that was so uncool! I wasn't even going to kill him!" He snapped.


"Yes, we were."


"No, we weren't! We were going to decapitate him!"


"That would kill him!"


"...you mean, like...forever, though?"


Wade heard a scream of irritation within his head from his reasonable voice, and left the two to settle their differences as his body regenerated the knee. By the time he was up, she had started moving again, and he moved to follow. "Seriously?! You're gonna shoot me in the kneecaps without even apologizing?! That's low! I mean, I kill people for money and I find that pretty low!" He got a bullet in the shoulder for his trouble. "Oh, I got something for you, buddy!!!" Wade took a run and dropped to his knees, sliding under one of the gunmen and angling his kick right into the man's groin.

As the man fell forward, his mouth met the barrel of one of Wade's guns...and his brains exploded out of the back of his skull when Wade pull the trigger. Wade pushed him off right there, letting him fall into the water far below on the sub level of the boat...where he heard the grinding clunk again. "Oh, you gotta be shitting me!" Kelpov was running the other way, quick. "Another control panel?! Just give up, you dickwaffle!!!" Wade yelled after him.

"If only you hadn't shot me in the knee! Ass!" Wade snapped as he holstered his guns, and got back into slice and dice mode with his katanas. Like a red tornado of death, he moved through them, his blades deflecting bullet shots that ricocheted and hit the sides of the boat and the deck overhead. Within about ten seconds, the deck was cleared. All of Kelpov's men...were dead.

"Quit looking so damn stunned! Move!" Wade insisted as he ran, and so did she, heading for the sub-level. Down some stairs, they were fully within the belly of the beast. Kelpov was at a panel by the sub, doing some sort of tinkering with it. "Halt, evildoer!" Wade shouted out.

"You aren't going to stop me, Black Widow! My plans will go through whether S.H.I.E.L.D. wants it or not!"* Kelpov shouted.

"Oh, they're about to be the least of your problems, buddy!" Wade said, drawing his guns. "Step away from that control panel..." He ordered.


"...wait, do we know Russian?!"


"No, but we are very fluent in reading subtitles."


"No!"* Kelpov pressed a button that made the entire deck lurch. Nearly falling over, Wade had to drop one of his guns to catch his accomplish as she started to fall, managing it around the waist and holding on to the formerly horizontal platform with his other hand. When gravity righted itself, Wade pulled them back up and tossed her up onto it, pulling himself up.

"He's getting away!!!" Wade shouted as Kelpov was climbing up to the hatch and opening it. The spy had moved head to get to him...and Wade could hear the sub being loosened from the grip the dock had on it.

It was about to go down...

"Ahhhh! Damn me and my noble nature!" He chided himself as he went after the pair.


* = Translated from Russian
Posted: May 25 2018, 03:15 PM
Black Widow
33 years old
Assassin / Spy
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Yep, she wasn't too surprised that he'd fallen on his head at times in the past, but Natasha wasn't going to stick around to make the comment. Instead, she was already up and moving, even as she heard the sound of his discontent at having been shot. At another time and in another place, she might have felt somewhat sorry for shooting a man in the knee, having had that kind of punishment herself... but not him, and not right then.

Nope, she had bigger fish to fry... since Kelpov was getting away.

Grumbling as she moved past a few gunmen, shooting them without hesitation so she could get past, Natasha simply kept running, knowing that if she stopped, Kelpov would get into that submarine and that would be it: he'd be gone. She knew that most of the decommissioned tech from Russia was programmed to be undetectable, so finding him again would be nearly impossible. That, and if it was truly decommissioned? It would have some pretty heavy-duty weapons on board... which made it all but impossible to allow him to keep. Knowing him, he was bound to use it, sooner or later.

"SHH," she tossed over her shoulder for Deadpool's grumbling, her eyes narrowed on him... just before turning away to run towards her prey, who was doing his best to get his round little body down the ladder and into the belly of the sub. She had a feeling there would be more bodyguards down there... because, considering the way this man seemed to act, he didn't like being on his own. He did seem to like to have lots of cannon fodder...

So, knowing the dangers, Nat just checked her guns... only to see that Deadpool was coming by, moving fast... just as they dropped down and into the sub itself. The second that Nat's eyes began to adjust to the gloom... she realized the danger. Not only was Kelpov familial with the sub, he was also preparing it for use, his hands working over the panel. "Step away from that panel, right now," she said low, taking a threatening step forward, gun in hand... just before his little speech made her narrow her eyes. What was he planning to do?

Nat was about to run for him, to grab him and make him talk as only she could... when something that Kelpov pressed made the ground shift under her feet drastically, causing her to lurch to the side, dropping her gun as she did so. Reaching for purchase anywhere she could get... instead, her fingers scrabbled over the edge of a lopsided table... before one of Deadpool's arms went around her waist, keeping her somewhat upright.

Later... she'd have to thank him... but in the moment? She was pissed, because Kelpov was getting away.

"I can see that," she said low, just before raising an arm to aim her Bites at the Russian's back. In seconds, she released one of two darts, the first landing on his arm... and the other on his shoulder. Almost at once, the little Russian froze, shaking with the currents running through his system... before his hands loosened from around the ladder that led up through the hatch, causing him to fall all the way down to the ground again. All in all, she knew he wasn't running now... and no matter what he'd been planning, he was stuck there now, too.

It helped that he was unconscious, though. It helped her think.

There was a sickening thud as the engines kicked in, pushing the sub forward.. and almost immediately, Nat dropped down to the now-horizontal surface of the floor, even as the sub swayed a little for how it'd pushed off from its perch underneath the boat. Turning back to look at the red-suited vigilante, she just simply sighed and shook her head. "Well, he's going nowhere fast. Maybe tie him up..." she told him, before turning away to look at the control panel on the wall.

It was rudimentary, but she could see... they were headed somewhere. There were coordinates punched into it, and from experience, it was close by, their destination. "I need to go to the bridge and get this thing to stop. You wouldn't happen to know how to pilot one of these things?" because, as much as he had a particular skill-set, being a sailor wasn't one of them.


@WADE WILSON

Posted: May 25 2018, 04:06 PM
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Wade saved the chick out of professional courtesy. And because she was hot. It really was his entire modus operandi.



"Oh, my. That's a big word for us."


"What? Hot or chick?"


"...nevermind."


But she wasn't sleeping with the fishes tonight, and Wade pulled her back up before getting back up himself. With the sub released and being prepped to go, Kelpov was trying to climb up the ladder to the hatch and opening it.

It was just as he was about to go down into the sub that the spy chick pulled out two shots on him that ended with him getting electrocuted and falling down into the belly of the sub. "Oh...oh, Jesus!" Wade said as he caught up with them, finding her heading down after the man. "Kelpov, bro...you really need to take this as a sign, God does not want you having kids. Jesus..." He shook his head.

When he arrived, she was checking the guy for a pulse. He'd taken a nasty hit, but he was going to live so far as Wade figured...at least for now. "Hee hee. Too bad for him, he doesn't know the safety word..." Wade pulled out a pair of restraining cuffs, snatched up Kelpov's hands, and secured the cuffs around a horizontal pipe. He wasn't going anywhere for a bit, conscious or not.

"Ah...as the Meat Loaf song does - I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. Sorry." Wade said sheepishly. "Really good at using what's on a sub...not so good at driving a sub." He shook his head. "Besides, I think he's got this thing on auto-pilot, because..." He look at a gauge, seeing the pressure on it rising. "Yep...yep...we're dropping at least a bit..." He said.


"He's probably got an auto-pilot. Encrypted ciphers and everything."


"Damn. And we can't even call tech support!"


Wade clicked his tongue. "I think that he's got this going somewhere. Auto-pilot...usually you have to have a whole crew or something. Like in that one movie with the submarines..."


"K-19 the Widowmaker?"


"No, no, I don't think that's it, uh..." Wade shook his head, snapping his fingers as if trying to jog his memory.


"The Hunt For Red October?"


"Nuh-uh. Connery doing Scottish as Russian? Please..." Wade snorted, still trying to remember.


"The Abyss?"


"Oh, please! Like we need to rep James Cameron anymore! Dude's an uninspired hack job who got lucky!" Wade snapped at his inner monologues. Then, he remembered it. "Uninspired hack. John Lennon. AH! Yellow Submarine! That was it!" He gave his fingers a final snap, pointing back at the spy. "I knew it'd come to me. It's like that one! ...wait, what were we talking about?"

"So, anyway!" Wade clapped his hands together. "Since we have a few free minutes - introductions! Hi, I'm Wade Winston Wilson of Wlair, Waskatchewan! I'm usually known as Deadpool, The Merc With the Mouth, and Hey, fuckface!. My interests include shooting people, boobs, stabbing people, asses, tacos, boobs, long watch on the beach, asses, the Golden Girls, boobs, and blowing things up!" He said. "Also, I am a complete freak for Gloria Estafan...also, asses....and boobs..."


"...god, someone get us help! Or saltpeter!"


"So anyhoo. Share time!" Wade punctuated the last two words with jazz hands. "Who are you and what made you stick that sweet ass of yours into tight leather?" He asked, asking for her origin story before he'd actually given his own.


Posted: May 25 2018, 05:32 PM
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